Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort
by pineapples are better pink
Summary: Two crazed teens kidnap Pansy Parkinson, Oliver Wood and Voldemort. They force them to write an advice column with 132 letters apiece. Will they make it? Will they survive? Who knows? Who cares? **All finished!**
1. Why to dread the site of a flying elepha...

A/n: I don't own anything in the story except the plot. Please write questions (letters) to sugar-pixie@juno.com or in reviews and who you want to answer them.

Please read, review and give suggestions. Thanks

We had been watching them for three months. We knew where they went and when. We knew everything to know about them, even what they ate for breakfast. Oliver Wood preferred Wheaties, the breakfast of champions, while Pansy Parkinson liked orange juice and toast with pink pineapples on top. Lord Voldemort would always have his bowl of warm oatmeal flavored with a bit of honey and cinnamon. But that is beside the point. The point is, well, actually I don't know what the point is but we got them. 

My name is Brittany and my friend is known as Carrie but no one knows her REAL name. Duh duh duhhhh… We made a vow one night. A solemn vow to capture 3 people. 3 _certain _people, and make them write an advice column! They would have to answer 100 letters each _without_ magic before we would let them go. So begins the story that changed the lives of 5 people forever.

We snuck up behind Wood while he was going over the Quidditch plan. Pansy was primping in the mirror while muttering, 

"Yes Draco, I love you too. Of course I will marry you!" We think she was a tad delusional. 

Lord Voldemort was staring into the living room of some kids house. He was trying to watch his favorite weekly show, Blue's Clues. He was humming the theme song when we got him. Stuffed him in a bag and took his wand. Take that. We gave him a pineapple instead, a pink one. 

We had thought for hours about where to take them and finally decided on an old abandoned department store. It would provide entertainment as well as torture devices. 

We hauled them there using a flying elephant. No one noticed on the streets except for that one kid. He looked up, looked down, did a double take then…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" His mother told him to shut up. 

Lord Voldemort was trying to make smoke signals from the back of the flying elephant but he couldn't figure out how to light the elephant's skin on fire. We had confiscated their wands at the very beginning of course. No sense getting blown up at the very beginning! We had an advice column the write! Tally ho! 


	2. Letters, Letters, Letters

We packed them all into the department store. Pansy yelled, "Oooh! Ahhhh!" and ran around like a banshee looking at dresses. Wood looked around and noticed there was no place to play Quidditch and even if there was he didn't have a broom. So he sat down in a chair looking disgruntled. Lord Voldemort looked around evilly but was pleased when he saw the TV section. He ran over but upon finding he had missed Blue's 'lues he paced around muttering about how if he had his wand he would blow up her and her and him and so on and so forth, Basically the whole world would no longer exist. He needs therapy.

We decided it was time to start the column. We had gotten a letter! We sat them all down to talk about a few quick rules. No foul language, no being mean, well nix that rule, no stealing stuff from the store, and don't kill anyone. That was it. So we got to work…

*Ask Pansy, Wood, and Voldemort*

Dear Voldi,  
  
How nice to speak with you again! How are you doing? How's the family? Well, then again you don't have a family, but you would if you didn't go all insane and get so (censored) evil. I know a lot of people who found you attractive when you were younger. (NOT ME!!!) I personally prefer Wood, but hey whatever. Anyway, onto the question:  
  
How would you take care of to much homework from Prof. Snape? Curse him? Curse the homework? Light it to fire and see what happens?   
  
Just wondering!!  
  
Sincerely,  
Quiet One

Repulsive Quiet One, 

I find you to be one of the most annoying people that I have ever met. If I had my wand and wasn't being held hostage… Hey! I can tell everyone where we are threw the letter! We are being held hostage in (can't be printed due to well it just can't. Deal). Ok come and get us. Anyway, if I had my wand I would find you and kill you faster than a fly on well me. How dare you insult the great and evil Lord Voldemort? But getting to your question. Have you thought of time management? I know it sounds boring and a waste of time but it can really help. And though cursing your teacher and homework would be lots of fun, school isn't always fun. You have to take the good with the bad and I hope you remember that Quiet One. And if you ever write me a letter again I will personally hunt you down and destroy you and every person you have ever known.

Tootles,

Lord Voldemort


	3. More Letters for the Captives

~~~~~~

Pansy  
  
I think Draco is hot and he has been looking at me for the past few weeks now. Meanwhile he seems to be playing a girl in his house.  
  
Shoud i take him?

RoswellChica, 

How dare you. Draco is mine, mine, mine, mine!!! If he has been looking at you it is only because he thinks you are disgusting! And he is not "playing" me he is my boyfriend! Ya that's it, my boyfriend. So back off.

Pansy

~~~~~~

Dear Oliver,  
  
Will you help me in my plot to take over the world? I wish to take over before moddy man does. So I can make people play QUIDDITCH!!!!!! My plan is to make them play at least five times a week! I'll even give you a part of North America for your very own huge quidditch patch. Please let me know if you wish to join up. Thankies!   
Katherine aka Star sixth year  
RavenClaw Perfect who plots   
revenge on anit-quidditch Snape.

Katherine aka Star, 

I would love to take over the world! North America is big right? Wow a whole country to play Quidditch! That would rock! Who is Moody Man? Well beat him beat him! You can do it! Show no mercy! Also I would boost the practices to AT LEAST 6. Practice make winners that is what I always say. 

Wood (Die Snape die!)

~~~~~

The column was off to a good start. Each person was pleased they had gotten a letter even though Pansy was brooding over Malfoy. Voldemort was comforting her in the corner.

"Don't worry, I am sure she was lying. He loves YOU girl and no other. But just in case I will make you a promise. If he is being a two timing snake, oh! Snake! Like the Sytherin House! Hahahaha! Oh I am good. Anyway, when we get out I will blast him for you."

"Thanks Voldi."

"Don't call me that!"

"Ok Voldi."

"Stop it stop it stop it!" 

We all started laughing as Voldi, "cough cough" Voldemort went into a corner and began to cry. 

"All right!" I said, "Back to work." 


	4. Truth or Dare

A/n: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters though I wish I owned Wood because he is damn sexy.

The moral was low. Pansy had been looking at herself in the mirror all day, well that was unusual but she was smiling and talking about Draco while she was doing it. Wood was talking in his sleep about Quidditch, that wasn't new either but he was losing in his dreams, either that or he was getting beat up by a very large flying elephant. Voldemort would tear up at the slightest mention of anything. Baby. We hadn't gotten a letter in quite some time and, well, Carrie and I knew we had to do something.

"Truth or Dare anyone?"

Everyone turned around. Pansy stopped looking at herself, Wood woke up with a start and Voldemort dried his tears. 

"Yes, you heard me. Truth or Dare."

We began.

Brittany: Voldemort, truth or dare?

Voldemort: Umm… Truth.

Wood: Wuss

Voldemort: I am not a wuss! Dare!

Brittany: (Grinning evilly) Do you see that skin tight pink dress with the purple daisies on it?

Voldemort: (Looking worried) Yes…

Brittany: Put it on and do a fashion show for us. 

(Pansy and Wood break out laughing, Brittany smirks, Carrie falls on the floor)

Voldemort: No way!

Wood: Man are you a wuss.

Voldemort: I AM NOT A WUSS!!!

(Voldemort grabs the dress and storms into the dressing room a moment later he emerges wearing the stunning pink dress) (Everyone cracks up) 

Wood: Strut your stuff!

Carrie: Woo woo!

(Voldemort walks toward them, his cheeks bright red)

Brittany: Swing those hips!

(Voldemort does while his face turns even redder)

Pansy: Take it off!!

(Carrie starts humming a strip song)

Voldemort: No! That wasn't part of the dare!

Brittany: Drat. Oh well you can go change now.

(Voldemort reappears a moment later once more in his robes)

Brittany: Your turn

Voldemort: Ok umm… Wood, truth or dare?

Wood: Tr… umm… dare

Voldemort: You sure?

Wood: Ya

Voldemort: Bwah ha ha ha! Now my evil will be unleashed!

(Everyone stares at him. Crickets chirp. *chirp chirp chirp*)

Voldemort: Nevermind. Wood, pick one person in the circle and make out with them.

(Wood turns red. Pansy sits up straight and starts to fix her hair and grabs her lipgloss. Carrie laughs. Brittany smirks.)

Wood: Do I have to?

Voldemort: Yes.

Wood: All right. Umm… Carrie.

(Pansy falls out of the chair she was sitting in. Carrie shrugs and walks over to Wood they kiss for a while then sit back down. Wood looks like an over confidant male.)

Wood: My turn.

*What will happen next? What will Wood ask? Stay tuned and make sure to review and write questions in your review so we can get back to the Advice Column!


	5. A Pause in the Game

Right in the middle of Truth or Dare we received not one but two letters! And as you know work comes first! The others were a bit disappointed to have to postpone the game especially Wood but once he read the letter he changed his mind…

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Oliver,  
Hi! I think you are very hot! And we have a lot in common! I love quidditch and you love quidditch! so I was wondering will you go out with me? Cause even though you're all kidnapped and stuff I've always been good at long distance relationships! So think about it okay!  


Gernchick

Dear Gernchick, 

Well if you have been reading the column you will see I have all ready agreed to help take over the world. Now I might be a tad busy with that and the whole deal of being kidnapped and Quidditch, I don't think I will have time to have a girlfriend. See other people, don't obsess over little old me. There are other men out there though they probably aren't as dashing, good looking, and athletic as I am there are others out there. So have fun, do something productive. Join a club! You will find the right person for you.

Wood

~~~~~

Dear Pansy,  
  
How do you feel about fanfiction story's in which OTHER girls get Draco? Do they annoy you? If they do you had better not go and read my story. Anyway, you are aware that a lot of people like Draco aren't into you. So, whatever!  
  
Sincerly, Your friend,   
  
Quiet One

Quiet One, 

You sure don't seem very quiet! Live up to your name and SHUT UP! Leave my dear darling Draco out of this. And no, I don't mind fanfiction stories with other girls getting Draco because, Quiet One, they are fiction. 

3 Pansy

~~~~~

Wood looked around the room smirking, "So Voldemort, I have been asked to help A GIRL take over the world, and I have been asked out, all while being kidnapped. What about you old boy?" 

Voldemort looked ready to kill. "Well foolish boy, I gave up women for world domination."

"Oh sure the old I gave up women for wealth and power routine. Sure ya ok. You couldn't get a date if you tried."

Voldemort's eyes flashed and turned red then he lunged at Wood and they started to fight. I had to run in there and separate the two. 

"Shame, shame."

The both looked down at their toes. 

Wood asked if we could keep playing the game. "Sure." I said.   
  


  
  
  



	6. The Word of the Day Hooray!

They all sat down in the circle again. Wood was ready.  
  
Wood: Voldemort, truth or dare?  
  
Voldemort: Truth, you can't trick me again.  
  
Wood: Ok then truth. Describe your first kiss.  
  
(Everyone looks over at Voldemort. Voldemort starts muttering)  
  
Voldemort: Well. I haven't you know.  
  
Wood: Do tell  
  
Voldemort: I have never kissed anyone before  
  
Wood: Please speak up! We missed that.  
  
Voldemort: I haven't kissed anyone before ok?!  
  
All: Ooooooooooo  
  
Carrie: Well ya know. If you hadn't gone all insane and killed all those people, and gotten all creepy and deformed I know lots of girls who would love to go out with you.  
  
Voldemort: Really?  
  
Carrie: Well no. But it sounded nice didn't it.  
  
Voldemort: Well it's my turn anyway. Pansy, truth or dare.  
  
Pansy: truth  
  
Voldemort: How far have you actually gone with Malfoy?  
  
(Everyone looks at Pansy expectantly. Now it is Pansy who is the one muttering now.)  
  
Pansy: Well we have, you know, held hands and stuff.  
  
Brittany: Ya and stuff.  
  
(Snickers from all around)  
  
Pansy: Hey we have a better relationship! A stronger relationship! We have no need for petty kissing or hugging. We fulfill each others needs just by looking at each other and.  
  
(She went on and on till everyone thought their eardrums would explode)  
  
Wood: When will she stop?  
  
Brittany: (hands over ears) I don't know. I think I am going to cry.  
  
Voldemort: If you do not shut your mouth this minute Pansy I will unleash all the powers of hell upon you and all those you know.  
  
Pansy: Excuse me?!  
  
Voldemort: You heard me! And for the record that was the biggest load of bull that I have ever heard. And let me tell you, I have heard some bull in my day. Why when I was a lad we had to walk to Hogwarts everyday, in the snow. Without shoes!  
  
(Now he went on and on till everyone thought their eardrums would explode)  
  
Wood: When will he stop?  
  
Brittany: (hands over ears) I don't know. I think I am going to cry.  
  
Brittany: Voldemort? VOLDEMORT!!! Hi! Shut up ok? We want to keep playing.  
  
Voldemort: Oh. Right.  
  
Pansy: My turn! *giggle* ok! Brittany truth or dare  
  
Brittany: Dare, I laugh in the face of danger, HAHAHAHAHA  
  
Pansy: Right. anyway. Give old Voldi his first kiss.  
  
Brittany: Righto  
  
(Brittany stands up walks over to Voldemort and gives him one. Voldemort looks surprised but not displeased. Brittany looks rather disgusted.)  
  
Brittany: Gross, well my turn. Hey! Letters! Game over. I win!!!  
  
Pansy: Hey that's not fair!  
  
Brittany: Hun you are kidnapped and I am the kidnapper. Everything is fair. Besides we have a column to write forthwith. Haha big word. That is the word of the day everyone! Forthwith! Wahoo! 


	7. A Day of Pain and Joy then some more pai...

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Oliver, 

I have been your biggest fan since I saw you in that movie about that hairy kid. I was wondering if you could tell me how you make those brooms fly. It's very fascinating. 

Another question. Why do you like playing keeper? I think you'd look much better as one of those speedy chasers. Make that Katie Bell go play keeper. 

And lastly, will you be my boyfriend? I know that you're a wizard...haven't there been half bloods or something like that though? 

Sincerely, 

Quidditch Hater Shasa

Dear Quidditch Hater Shasa, 

Firstly I don't know how anyone could hate Quidditch. Even though Harry starred in the movie, and the movie was named after him we all know who stole the show.

Making brooms fly like I do is not easy. It takes talent, practice, and good looks to look good while doing it. I like playing Keeper because I am defending my team. Chasers do all the work. Katie Bell is a great Chaser, though I would look dashing playing it. And lastly I am sorry, I can't go out with someone who hates Quidditch. It is against my religion. 

Wood

(Wood shot another grin at Voldemort)

Voldemort-  
Hi! My name is August and I want to be a death eater! Oh yeah, and will you go out with me? I'm pretty! I promise! But please help me... I wanna be BAD! Oh yeah, and my friends and i are planning to break you out of ... um... that place you're in. So hang in there, we'll see you later.  
---------Adrienne------------

Adrienne, 

Sure you can be a death eater! We are always looking for new people! And I will go out with you if you are a witch, if you aren't forget it. Being bad isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes you don't have the time to do things you used to love. For example, I haven't had a date since my last year at Hogwarts. But if you are ready to be a dedicated spawn of evil then go for it! Be willing to take a risk. I might blow you up, but hey! It is part of the job. 

(Now Voldemort shoots a look of triumph over at Wood who looks at his feet sheepishly)

Voldemort-   
I would just like to correct my earlier question. I am Adrienne. August and Angel Jade are two of the 28 other tenants of this overcrowded brain. Darn you Ministry budget cuts! WE NEED MORE SPACE! AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
----Sincerely, Adrienne----

Adrienne, 

Can we say wacko?

Voldemort

(Wood starts laughing and Voldmorts face turns red. Wood says, "The only girls that will go out with old Voldi hear are wackos!")

Dear Voldemort,  
  
I have come to some recent occurances where I must constantly deal with some ... how shall I put this?... annoying people. One at a time I can handle them, but all together, they are a menace to society... and me!  
  
Help me!!! Please!!!  
  
Much apreciated,  
JenJen

JenJen,

Three words, blow them up.

Voldemort

~~~~~

Tommy, baby,  
Why can't you kill Harry Potter, I mean he's just a kid? Are you really that *pathetic* or are you just going through a weak phase?  
  
Peace out,  
Starling ^.~

Starling, 

I am trying ok?! Even though he is just a kid his stupid mother sacrificed herself to save him and it makes it kinda hard! I would like to see you try! I have conquered death! I don't think you should be talking! I am back and he will die. You can quote me for that.

Voldemort

P.S. Don't EVER call me Tommy baby

~~~~~

Dear Pansy,  
  
I think you need glasses or at least your eyes checked so I added a coupon for a discount to my eye doctor. After you get glasses or something, maybe you'll see that Draco doesn't like you! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Wood, Dear hot hot hot double hot, cute, forever mine Wood,  
I love you! NOT! Sorry, I have a bf. *Stares lovingly at George* hehe...  
I was wondering though, can you speak Japanese?  
  


Dear Moldy Voldie,  


  
You know, if you didn't turn evil and twisted looking, you would get a lot more dates and you would actually get a first kiss too. MWAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Byes and yours truly,  
The mental, lunatic, weirdo one

  


Mental, Lunatic, Weirdo One, 

Well you got your name right! I am proud to say I have 20/20 vision. And as for your coupon I took it and stuffed it up Voldi's (bleep). 

Pansy

MLWO, 

Thanks. I only speak one word and I don't know how to spell it. Konechewa or something.

Wood

Freakish One, 

Shut up mudblood.

Voldemort

~~~~~

Hey Voldy!!!  
  
When you had to live on the back of Quirrell's head, did he, so to speak *snicker* take a shower with you??? *muffled laughter* And did you enjoy it??? *more laughter* Describe to us in detail. *falls off chair laughing*

Sage of Dreams the Sith Lady

SoDtSL, 

You have a perverted mind… Well since we were kind of stuck together we had to do, well , things, that we both weren't very happy doing. I can't go into details because this is a PG advice column but it wasn't pretty. Get help.

Voldemort

~~~~~

Dear Moldy Voldie,  
I was just wondering...would you like to join my blues Clues club? Since you like it so much.  
  
~*~ Cool Dude ~*~

Cool Dude, 

Would I? Would I? Yes!!! Woohoo! I love that show! Just don't tell anyone. It would be bad for my rep if you know what I mean. Don't call me Moldy or Voldie it is hurtful.

Thanks!

Voldemort

  
  
  


  


  
  



	8. Mutiny = Creative Torture

The moral was once again getting low. The troops were depressed and mutinous. They refused to write letters. Now I am nice and dandy if they are depressed and need a moral booster. But if they refuse to write, that's a different story. It was time to bring in the local band.

He arrived on Tuesday, a 500 pound man with a voice that could kill your cat. He started off with N*SYNC.

"NOT THAT!!!!" Screamed Wood, "ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!"

So he moved on to oldies. They were resilient for a while. Pretending they didn't hear, then covering they're ears, then closing they're eyes and humming. They were starting to crack. Just when they thought it couldn't get anyworse…

"YEEEEEEEEHAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It did.

Country music. It could drive a sane man mad. That was my plan. Column or insanity, either would be entertaining. 

Wood was crouched in his chair, cradling his knees and softly whimpering. Pansy was passed out on the ground. I went and checked to make sure she was alive, she was so I woke her up. She couldn't hear when she was unconscious. Voldemort was sprawled out on the floor beating his fists against the ground and crying.

"We…will…write…the column."

"What?" I said. I was in a nasty mood. "You want more music? OK!"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"All right, all right just playing."

I told the singer to pack it up. He held out his hand for money, I gave him a high five. 

Then we got back to work.

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Brittany,  
I realize some other girl wrote in about taking over the world. I just wanted to let you know that we have to stop her. Because she took our idea. We can probably kill her...hehe....Also I'd love to congratulate you on capturing hostages.....so I will. Congratulations. First 2 people from Hogwarts and an evil warlock. Next, THE WORLD!!! ::Evil laughter::  
  
Much Love,  
Your crazy friend, You know which one.

p.s.- Wood I know your busy w/helping the OTHER girl take over the world but I'm single and lonely....just something for you to think about  


Dear Crazy Friend (and I do know which one),

I have no intention whatsoever in letting someone else take over the world. WE have to build our house with the theme park, dry-erase-board room and cave. (Inside joke don't try to understand.) Thanks for writing I feel special now. Hehe.

Much Love, 

Brittany

P.S. I will keep that in mind.-Wood

~~~~~

I have two questions for all of you.   
What was the weirdest thing you ever did? (Doing something while and if you were drunk counts.)  
Do you like Guinea pigs?

Rabid Locust 

Rabid Locust, 

The weirdest thing I ever did was allow myself to be taken here to write this column. And yes guinea pigs are cute.

Pansy

~~~~~

Rabid Locust, 

I would have to say it was when I studied for a test rather then have Quidditch practice. I think I might have been drunk. No, I hate guinea pigs. They smell and crap all over the place.

Wood

~~~~~

Rabid Locust, 

The weirdest thing I have ever done was get blown up into a million pieces after I tried to kill Harry. It was unbelievable. I wasn't dead but I wasn't alive. It was, well, weird. I like guinea pigs, but only with LOTS of barbecue sauce.

Voldemort

~~~~~

Dear Pansy,  
I hate Draco! What do you see in him? Gosh hes so ugly, pale, albino looking and mean. Come on you can do better than that. Voldemort looks better than him(lol). Get over him!  
  
Sabookie

Dear Sabookie, 

Voldemort is a half-dead, diseased creep, while Draco is perfect. "Sigh…" I will never get over him. You are just jealous!

Pansy

~~~~~

  
  



	9. Letters Are Fun *giggle*

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Voldemort,  
Sorry about the Voldie thing before. Anyway, once you get out of that place, meet the rest of the Blue's Clues fan club on the corner of main street. We will discuss future TV sessions with the rest of the group.  
~*~Cool Dude ~*~

Dear Cool Dude, 

Sounds good. See you there.

Voldemort

(Voldemort runs off singing, "We are lookin for Blue's Clues. We are lookin for Blues Clues. We are looking for Blue's Clues, because we're really smart!")

~~~~~

Tom,  
Do you remember me? Roxi Greenewood from Slytherin who always used to hang with you and stuff and was beater on the Team? If you do u will be pleased to know I totally think what u did to those PATHETIC POTTERS (HARRY and HIS FRIENDS, OLIVER AS WELL DID U HEAR HAT I SAID PATHETIC!!!) was totally alright and very cool, can I join your 'want to take over world' group and go out with you...PLEASE!!!  
  
LUV U LOADS,  
ROXI

Roxi baby!

Hey, of course I remember you! How ya been doin? Thanks for the support. As you know a lot of foolish wizards and witches think what I did was cruel and unusual torture and that I am insane. It is nice to here positive feedback. Feel free to join the Death Eaters. (I love that name it just sort of rings.) I kinda already said I would go out with somebody but hey! I am supposed to be this big, evil macho guy so if you don't mind sharing, sure!

Luv you babe, 

Tom

~~~~~

Dear Oliver,  
  
You are sooooo cute! Any chance you could swap bodies with Ron Weasley to make the perfect guy?  
  
Dear Voldy,  
What crawled up your ass and possessed you to be evil? You are screwed up man!  
  
Dear Pansy,  
GET A LIFE AND A REAL BOYFRIEND YOU SAD LITTLE RAT!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
HUgz to all of you (apart from Pansy but lots to Oliver!;0))  
Love Xodox!!!!!!!!

Dear Xodox, 

Umm… I don't think that is gonna happen. I always say looks over personality. And honey, Ron Weasley? Red hair, freckles, come on! Compared to my gorgeous look. And I play Quidditch.

Oliver

Xodox, 

You vile, repulsive, irritating, aggravating piece of disturbance! How dare you say I am "screwed up" is that a muggle term? Well I guess I kind of am. But it doesn't matter! I will succeed! I will conquer! I will obliterate all the fools, including you, who dare to stand in Lord Voldemorts path of darkness!

(Wood breaks in, "As long as he doesn't have to miss Blue's Clues to do it.)

Stand back foolish muggle or mudblood or whatever you are. I will see you in hell!

Buh bye!

Voldemort

Xodox, 

I will not dignify that question with a response. (Censored Word) you.

Pansy

~~~~~

Dear Wood,   
  
Do you have any annoying siblings? Are they younger or older? Or are you an only child? Who do you like better? Brittany or Carrie? Also, Who do you like better? Voldi or Pansy?   
  
  
One more note: Quidditch Rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Quiet One

Dear Quiet One, 

Yes I have a very annoying younger brother. He always feels he has to show me up because I can play Quidditch so fabulously, and I look fabulous while doing it. As for who I like better, I thought I liked Carrie but she is a tad to quiet for me. Brittany seems much more fun even though she kidnapped us. And for Pansy and Voldi, even though Voldi killed all these people and was a evil and destructive tirant, he has his soft side. Pansy is just plain annoying. So I like Voldi. 

One more note: Amen to that.

Wood

~~~~~

Pansy,   
I think I saw that girl Hermione, you know Potter's friend, flirting with your main man Draco. He's been getting pretty lonely with out you at Hogwarts. I don't know why since you only "hold hands." Just thought I'd tell ya. HaHa  
PS, Wood call me!!!!!!!  
Signed, donut

Donut, 

Thanks for telling me but I have complete faith in Draco. We are in love and like I have said before we fulfil each other's needs just by looking at each other. We are taking it slow because our love is real. Our love is true. And one more thing, how in the hell did you get into Hogwarts?

(Censored Word) Off, 

Pansy

~~~~~

Carrie and I gave a sigh, it had been a good day.

A/n: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or Blues Clues. Make sure you write me letters!!!! 


	10. Evilness bwah hahaha

A/n: I do not own any of the Harry Potter characters or Blue's Clues. I also have nothing against Carol Brady or Janet Jackson, they are just pawns for my evilness. Bwah ha ha. 

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Voldi-  
  
i was just wondering if you wanted me to send you some of the new blue's clues underwear that just came out!!! also, the thinking chair is on sale if you'd like that too.   
  
Pansy-  
  
i have a friend just like u!!! She's in a mental institution right now!! She killed some girl b/c her boyfriend chose another girl over her!!! lol... I love happy endings!!!!  
  
Wood-   
U r one dead sexy beast... i don't care wut they say... or who ur going out with... b/c now ur married to me!! Just remember that I love u!!!  
  
*willowfairy*

Dear willowfairy, 

*shhh…* keep that quiet! If it got out that I liked Blue's Clues! You have no idea what it would do to my rep! I would be ruined! Send um over.

Voldemort(DON'T CALL ME VOLDI!!!!)

WillowFairy,

Your point is? Are you trying to go somewhere? I think it was probably you. You are doing one of those, I have this friend who likes this guy and she doesn't know what to do but you are really talking about yourself! Plus that will never happen to me because Draco loves me. Ya that right, he loves me!!!

Love, 

Mrs. Pansy Draco Malfoy

*willowfairy*

Well willow, that isn't the first time I have been called a dead sexy beast let me tell you! I am way to busy to be "hitched" so to speak right now, *pompous laugh* but when I get outa here doll face we'll talk.

Wood

~~~~~

(Voldemort seriously objected to printing this one but we print all!)

Tommy, baby,  
Okay, let's get a few things strait, I'm 10,237 years old and it's not likely that I'm going to die in the foreseeable future; so let me assure you that your apparent concurring of death is nothing compared to me. After all you sold your soul and your cute face to maintain even the slightest semblance of life where as I still look sixteen.  
And if I wanted to kill Harry Potter have no doubt he'd be deader than your sex drive. Luckily, I think he's adorable, in that little boy way, and don't want him dead.  
As for your name. Fine you don't wanna be called Tommy, okay, then I'll call you Tom, it is your given name, the one your mother gave you, I will not use the term 'flight of death' for anyone much less a psychopath like you.  
  
Peace out,  
Starling ^.~  
  
P.S. Oliver, you rock. And you're really hot.

Starling, 

You diseased sack of snot. I can explain that in 4 words…You are a freak. A freak! And can we keep my sex drive out of this? Who wants to get it on with some1 who is 10,237 years old no matter how young the look? Would you do it with Carol Brady? Or Janet Jackson? I think not. I do not use the name Tom because it was given to me by a pathetic muggle and the fool of a witch who loved him. I am Lord Voldemort and you are not to forget that. As for Potter, you are probably right. You could kill him just by looking at him.

Voldemort

P.S. I know! – Wood

~~~~~

I was bored. I admit it. I wanted to do something to mix things up. Get things interesting again. You guessed it, square dancing! Spin your partner round and round. Haha, I am so evil.


	11. The Tally of Dates

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Voldemort,  
I was wondering if I could possibly join you on your quest for world domination? Me (Kaity princess of the spriten nation), My dragon Elanya, and Bob The Magical Invisible Green Fish (don't you DARE make fun of my fishie!!!), would all love to help you. I'm w/ you 100% with the whole potter thing, I mean he's a total geek! not to mention annoying. Anyways, I'm sure I could find a few of my personal guard to help as well...  
not that most of them would willingly help, but hey, torture and death threats work wonders ya know. Oh! One condition, can I keep my little island *sniff* it's only 60x60 feet, and literally no-one knows where it is, hey come to think of it, if ya ever need somewhere to hide out just give me a ring, 'kay? BTW your blues clues secret is safe with me (although personally I prefer pokemon *dragonite is just tooooo cute*) Well. Let me know if ya want my help!  
  
Dear Wood,  
hey is ridding a broom anything like ridding a dragon? I don't know, I've never quite trusted those little bits of wood enough to try. :-P oh! and it's kon'nichi wa, or konnichi wa depending on who you ask ^_-   
  
Raine Dragon

Dear Raine Dragon, 

Sure, we always can use help in world domination. Let me tell you, the biggest mistake you can make in world domination is to think you can take care of it yourself. Look at Hitler and Napoleon! I wouldn't think of making fun of your fishie, I myself had a Ralph the Enchanted Demon Monkey Frog. Here is a new torture device you can try. Tie both ends of the to a rack then instead of pulling play N*SYNC! Over and over again till they think their brain will explode. Of course put a simple Deaf Charm so you are not vulnerable. For more torture ideas, go to www.darklord.org. You can keep your island and thanks for the suggestion! 

Thanks for keeping the secret. Not sure how you found out but thanks. I have never seen Pokemon. But whatever.

Voldemort

Raine Dragon, 

I have never ridden a dragon so I am not sure how it compares to riding a broom. As long as you look good doing it right? *pompous laugh* Thanks for the Japanese lesson. Those little pieces of wood, as you so crudely call them are my life. I was named after them for Christ's sake! Wood, wood. Get it? Good. 

Wood

~~~~~

Hello!!  
  
Dear Pansy,  
  
y do I even talk to you?  
  
Dear Wood,  
  
Do you think you can get George to hook up with me? He's kinda my friend.  
  
Dear Moldie Voldie,  
  
I'm not a mudblood. I'm a pureblood. Plus, I think you were cuter as Tom, not red eyed voldie. Anyway, when you're finished taking over, can I own the state Maryland in the U.S?   
  
byes,  
the mental, lunatic, weirdo one

Mental Lunatic, Weirdo One, 

Why am I talking to _you?_

Pansy

MLWO, 

You would rather be hooked up with _George_ rather than _me_? I think I might faint.

Wood

MLWO, 

Congratulations, would you like a trophy? Why would I allow you to have Maryland? You are freaky. You can have Texas. HAHAHAHAHA!

Voldemort

~~~~~~

Dear Voldi,

Have you ever tried plastic surgery? it might help....A LOT! then you might actually get a date! XD XD XD  


  
Dear Pansy,  
draco is playing you! but you've heard that a million times! so on another note: GET A NEW IDOL TO BE AN IDIOTIC SLAVE TO.  


  
Dear Wood,  
Don't you get tired of all these girls fawning all over you? I mean it must get really annoying. You are hot and all that...but how much can you take? Maybe you could fake your death and all that would stop. Then you could play Quidditch with me and not be crowded! I have the perfect field near my house.  
  
later days,  
Kittty^_^

Kitty, 

Plastic Surgery? Isn't that a muggle thing? I don't think that is for me. I prefer the dark, brooding, so scary it makes you take a load in your pants approach. Thanks anyway.

Voldemort

Pansy, 

NEVER!!! HE… WOULD… NEVER!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

I am not an idiotic slave.

Pansy 

Kitty, 

Actually, fawning girls isn't that bad! It is something you get used to. Someone has to be a teen sex icon! The responsibility is sometimes over whelming, having to have perfect hair, skin complexion, and an all around glow. No, it isn't all fun and games. But someone has to do it. It might as well be a sexy fox like me. Anytime you wanna play Quidditch doll face give me a call.

Kisses, 

Wood

~~~~~

Dear Voldemort,  
I've noticed your an avid Blue's Clues watcher, I was wondering if you liked Joe or Steve more? I personally like Joe best....because he changes his shirt color and he finds the clues faster.  
  
Much Love,  
Brittany's crazy friend, she knows which one.  
  
p.s- Wood...I saw that you were thinking about what I said last time...any answers?? 

Crazy Friend, 

I don't watch Blue's Clues! What are you talkin about? 

(I like Joe, he is fresh, new, plus the whole thing with Steve's green shirt was freakin me out.)

Voldemort

P.S. I am gonna become a Quaker so I can marry many women at once. I am SO in demand. – Wood

While I was out finding square dancing music, we had a fight going on a the bat cave.

Voldi- I have been asked out!

Wood- Tsk tsk Voldi, how many? I have been asked out WAY more than you.

Voldi- Lets keep a tally. First one to 15 wins. Loser has to have an singles column written for him by the winner.

Wood- That's crazy!

Voldi- Fine, chicken.

Wood- I am not a chicken!

Voldi- Course your not.

Wood- Fine your on.

Voldi- "grinning evilly" good.

****

THE TALLY!

Wood-llll

Voldemort-l

Wood- 4 to 1 well, well, well.

Voldi- Shut up! People reading this! Help me! People who are striving to be freed from good! Supporters of the Dark Arts! Ask me out! If not for me, then to shove g-damn Oliver Wood into the dirt and mess up his "perfect face!" gag me. 

Wood- I don't need to issue a plea for help to get asked out.

Voldi- shut up.


	12. Voldi Draws Closer

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

"Hey, Lord Voldemort? "Will you go out with me?  
Here is a little info about me.  
  
Name: Rabusa Loca.  
Gender: Female.  
Age: 27(I act like a Hyper 10 year old most of the time though.)  
Species: Anthropomorphic locust. (There goes the hope of going out with you.)  
Hobbies: Causing chaos, tripping nuns, spreading rumors about Harry Potty's underwear, and beating up popstars!   
"So can I go out with you?" Huh?! "If not can I at least help you in world domination?" "It sounds like fun! WEEEEEE!

Rabid Locust

Dear Rabid Locust, 

I am not sure, the whole Anthropomorphic locust thing kinda freaks me out. I've seen weirder though! You can help with world domination. Thanks for the invite.

Voldemort 

~~~~~

Dear Wood,  
what kind of girls are you looking for?  
Your Friend Coolio

Coolio, 

Well to be honest, they need to be as hot as me! I know, I know. That _is _a hard thing to live up to but I am sure there are lots of lovely ladies who are willing to live up to the challenge. I mean come on! Look at the prize! *pompous laugh*

Wood

~~~~~

Voldi... Sorry, Lord Voldemort! I´ve been watching you for quite some time now and I have to say you´re wonderful! I´m a great supporter of the Dark Arts and I really, really want a date whit you, the greatest Dark Arts master ever alive! Maybe two dates... or more... How about it?  
  
And Wood, Screw you and your "perfect face"!

LoveHayden

LoveHayden, 

Thanks for remembering! It means so much when people show a little courtesy. And again thanks for your interest in the Dark Arts! It is wonderful to see interest. I would be delighted to go out with you. See you when I get out of here.

Voldemort

(Wood gives a exasperated gasp of shock)

~~~~~

****

THE DATE TALLY!

Wood-llll

Voldemort-lll

Things were evening up. Voldemort was looking a little more confidant now.

Pansy- Why haven't I been asked out? Even that freak Voldi has been asked out three times! I haven't been once! Must be something wrong with the mail.

I came back to the hideout. Nothing in hand. No one had country square dance music, apparently it had become illegal. About time. 

A/n: I don't own any of the Harry Potter characters or any stuff like that.


	13. A Trip to the Bahamas? Or a Blue's Clue'...

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Mr. Evil Dark Lord Voldemort;  
  
Seeing as I dislike the Kidnapped Wood cause he's WAY to stuck on his "good looks" I would love to ask you to be my date. Heck maybe I could even convince you to give up on the taking over the world thing-Haven't you ever seen Pinky and the Brain? It never works out! Here's hopping you win.  
  
Dear Pansy;  
I know a guy who looks EXACTLY like Draco- and acts like him too. I KNOW he loves you, but wouldn't it be fun to show him up and go for some one he hates, say Harry? Just to make him jealous of course. Maybe then he'll see you for what you really are and you can move beyond just handholding.   
  
Dear Wood;  
  
You are a pompous arrogant freak. No offense to Brittany or Carrie but ecchhh. I liked you better in the books- in the movie you looked kindy scraggly and echhh. While Voldemort's not my fav, (Snapey rules! Oh and Ron's kinda baby cute) I hope he wins. Hehehe Quidditch sucks!   
  
Juliet

Juliet, 

I doubt that you could convince me to stop trying to take over the world. I love Pinky and the Brain! Brain is my role model. Pinky is kind of like Wormtail. Stupid and rats. "What are we going to do tonight Brain?" "Tonight Pinky, we will take over the world!" Thanks for the support.

Voldemort

Juliet

Hmmm… that's a good idea! I will pretend to like someone else then he will come crawling back to me! Oh that's good! You are so evil! 

Thanks a Bunch, 

Pansy

Juliet, 

I am very shocked! You are probably in denial dear girl. WHAT DO YOU MEAN QUIDDITCH SUX!!! WHAT IS FLIPPIN WRONG WITH YOU?! YOU NEED PROF. HELP YOU FLIPPIN PHYSCO! GOD!!! 

Wood

~~~~~

Voldi- get plastic surgery  
  
Wood- Will you go out with me? We could play Quidditch! XD or you could try placing soccer. or football. It's tons of fun! Running around pushing people over!  
  
Pansy-If Draco luvs you then why hasn't he written to this column and vow to save you?  
  
Later days,  
Kitty^_^

Kitty, 

I will think about it. Are the doctors reliable? What if they make me look like Michael Jackson?

Voldemort

Kitty, 

I would be honored. So would you! 

Wood

Kitty, 

He doesn't read the newspaper dimwit.

Pansy

~~~~~

Dear Vol D. Mert,  
You may have already won!!! Costco is giving away 6 free vacations this month and you are a finalist! Just fill out your address, phone number, and credit card number, and you could have the chance to win a free, fully paid vacation to the Bahamas!!!

Dear ittybittytreefrog, 

WOW! The Bahamas! Oh it is Voldemort. I don't have a credit card or an address or a phone number. Will that be a problem?

Voldemort

~~~~~

Dear Voldio (are you Italian?),  
I think you're cool and before you kill Harry, you should be fixed of your...er, how do you say it sensitively....MENTALNESS!!  
  
Dear Panzie (Pansy the BLEEP),  
You're one mental idiot. And I think Draco should dump you and go for another girl because you are one big SICKO!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Dear Oli,  
You're one cool dude. Do you want to join my Quidditch Cool Guys Fan Club for cool guys only? We will discuss Qudditch tactics AND cool guys' stuff.   
  
Love and kisses forever (not to Panzie the BLEEP tho),  
Harry Die!

Harry Die!,

Thanks, I think.

Voldio???

Harry Die! The (BLEEP), 

Same to you buddy, same to you.

Pansy

Harry Die!

Thanks! The club sounds perfect for me! I love Quidditch and I am a cool guy! Is your club for hot guys too? *pompous laugh* I crack myself up.

Wood

~~~~~

Dear Voldemort,  
Do want 20 pieces of Blues Clues merchindise only for $5.99 and a one year membership of Blues Clues tapes and magazines?  
  
We are looking for blues clues, we are looking for blues clues, we are looking for blues clues because we're really smart.

From Blues Clues

Blues Clues, 

WOOPEE!!! Yes! I will never miss it again! Alright! 

Voldemort

~~~~~

****

THE DATE TALLY!

Wood-lllll

Voldi-llll


	14. A Day of Heartbreak

****

*Ask Pansy, Wood and Voldemort*

Dear Voldimert *cough**cough* I mean Voldemort,  
  
How are you? I was wondering...Whose your fav? Shovel or pail? Mr. Salt or Mrs. Pepper? Mailbox or Side Table Drawer?  
  
Quiet One

Dear Quiet One, 

Are you mocking me? If not I like shovel. He is independent. He could survive in the world without pail but could pail survive without him? I think not. I also prefer Mrs. Pepper, she is so strong. She had the little shaker, Paprika, but she still manages to take care of the household. Mailbox, he is outside, making name for himself in this big, round world of ours. Side Table Drawer just sits in the living room all day.

Voldemort  


  
  
  
Dear Pansy,  
  
For Gods sake get over him!!!   
  
Quiet One  


Quiet One, 

For Gods sake stop writing into the column! What is this you 4th letter? My God!

Pansy

  
  
  
Dear Wood,  
  
I hope you lose the race, but I also hope Voldemort loses. Actually hope you all lose. That's impossible. Oh well.  
  
Quiet One  
  


Quiet One,

Ya thanks for the encouragement. Voldemort is an ugly, two-faced half-wit who can't play ANY sports and wouldn't look the least bit attractive even if he could. I mean come on! Why would anyone want to ask him out? I am the cute one!

Wood 

~~~~~

Hiya Tom,  
Thanx, I'm doing good. My scar keeps kinda stinging but its not the normal kind, Its kind of major Pain i callapse, What does it mean???/  
  
LOVE YOU!!!  
Roxi

Roxi, 

That's good. Did I ever try to curse you? How did you get the scar? If it is a curse scar it might be like that stupid Harry kids. Read the book. I am not sure.

Luv You too, 

Tom

~~~~~

Voldemort,

When you and I take over the world, can't we bomb the broom factory as a first goal? Pretty please?

LoveHayden

LoveHayden, 

Ya sure. If you want.

Voldemort

(Wood- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

~~~~~

Dear Pansy,  
Without you at 

Hogwarts it's pretty boring. I'm dumping you. I've just noticed that you are a big SICKO!! Well bye sicko.  
  
From Draco

Dearest darling love of my life Draco,

You don't honestly mean that do you Draco? I love you! I have stood by you during all of your confrontations with Harry. I have supprted you when no one else would! This is how you repay me? *starts to cry* Well, whatever makes you happy. Just remember that I will always love you.

Yours, 

Pansy

(Pansy runs out of the room, her hair streaming behind her, tears streaming down her cheeks)

Wood- Well I never liked her and was sure Draco didn't like her but I never wanted him to break up with her! How sad.

Brittany- Poor thing *Her face lights up* Be back in a jiffy!

Voldemort- Wonder what she is doing?

Carrie- Who knows?

Dear Wood,  
I think Hermione Granger would be perfect for you. Just ask her to the movies and get to know her better.Got to go.

Dear Coolio, 

I don't know. She is cute but she doesn't play Quidditch. I don't think it would work.

Wood  


  
Dear Voldemort,  
Did you have any girlfriends before you became MENTAL!?!? Just wanted to know  
  
Your friend, Coolio

Coolio, 

Why yes I did even though it isn't any of your business. I feel a lack of privacy here.

Voldemort

~~~~~

Dear Voldie Smoldy,  
I know you're busy dating,taking over the world,and watching Blues Clues,but can I help you kill that "Potter boy" after you're done with all that other junk?  
  
Love, DarkLadie

Dear DarkLadie, 

Ya you can kill him anytime you want. Be my guest.

Voldie (If you can't beat um' join um'.)

~~~~~

Pansy,  
Did you know i saw Draco snoggin my sister yesterday on my couch, (DUMP HIM) *Then my sister can have him*  
  
From  
Roxi

Roxi, 

__

Pansy isn't here right now her heart was broken by the man she loves.

Hey wood! omg you have to go out w/ me!  
oh ya my friend wants to know if you'll go out w/ her too, but you can forget about her, k? c u ollie! 

Ollie, 

I am not sure if I want to go out with either of you but that is two more points for me!

Wood

~~~~~

I'm really routing for you Voldie, sorry, "Voldemort" in the date tally thing 'cause Wood needs to get a foot stuck up his (BLEEP)!   
  
Yea and for you Wood come on down to the muggle world and kiss your sorry (BLEEP) goodbye. Stuck up homo.  
  
Pansy lol, your sick!  
  
HALFBLOOD REPRESENTIN,  
Sabookie

Sabookie,

Thanks, but you know I have to actually be asked out to get points. It doesn't count if the person says I hope you win. Just letting you know. 

Voldie

P.S. I am very secure with my sexuality thank you! –Wood 

~~~~~

****

THE DATE TALLY

Wood- 7

Voldie- 4

A/n: What will happen to Pansy? Will she ever recover? Where has Brittany gone? Will Voldie be asked out again? Will people EVER see that Wood is a conceited snob? Stay tuned… oh ya I don't anybody from Harry Potter and all that crap.


	15. The Gang Moves On

A/n: This is my last chapter of this story. I would have liked to keep going but I am simply to busy with homework and school. I have 0 time. Fanfiction is going to have to go on hold for awhile…

Disclaimer in the form of a poem-

None of the Harry Potter people do I own,

I am writing this from a throne, 

Voldi's still moldie and Wood is still hot, 

Pansy's still spazzing, she never will stop, 

Draco is stupid and Harry is not.

I want to keep sexy old Wood in a pot.

I came back into the store lugging a long and heavy rope. This rope was attached to a large metal cage, inside this cage was a very familiar boy…

"Draco!!!" Pansy shrieked, "Oh… wait… nevermind. I don't like you anymore…"

Brittany- He's for you

"AHHHHHHH!!!!"

I opened the cage and Pansy rushed inside while Draco cowered in a corner. 

Wood- I can't decide if that is really sweet or just deranged…

Voldemort- Deranged I think

Carrie- You _think?_

*Brittany stands with her hands clasped grinning about all of the happiness she had spread that day*

Brittany- Well everyone I think the time has come.

Wood- ok…

Brittany- I feel that everyone has matured here. Matured both mentally and physically. *looks over at Wood* "cough" but now the time has come to set you free. 

Voldi- It has?

Carrie- It has?

Brittany- Yes it has. I would like to say it is because I can't see a blossoming flower kept in a cage but in truth I am just plain sick of all of you.

Carrie- Amen

Brittany- so now it's time for so long…

Voldi- and we'll sing just 1 more song.

Pansy- Thanks for doing your part!

Carrie- you sure are smart!

Wood- oh… my… god…

Voldi- you know with me and you, and my dog Blue

Wood- oh what the heck…

All- WE CAN DO ANYTHING THAT WE WANNA DO!!!

With tears in their eyes the gang went there separate directions. Pansy went to lug Draco back to her house. Wood went to get a manicure, and Voldemort went to terrorize civilians and watch Blue's Clues, you know the usual.

Brittany and Carrie watched them go into the sunset.

Carrie- Doesn't it give you a warm, tingly feeling inside?

Brittany- umm… no but… Have you seen Legolas the Elf lately?

The two friends were last seen walking towards Mirkwood. Who knows who they will kidnap next and how they will change their lives… or not. 


End file.
